A Dream

Long time has passed I have posted something I strongly feel about... A lot has happened this while... I would rather not say about all that... I just want to share my dream I dreamt 2 days ago.... here is how it goes like...

I am my family... me , my mom.. my brother, sister and My Maternal Uncle and his family.... all were standing outside my old ancestral house... with my mom and uncle talking something of money arrangements... its an afternoon and a school bus stops in front of where my cousin sister.. which we often call our niece sometimes.. my cousin paternal uncle's daughter H is to be alighted...  Here H is S , my SIL my brother's wife... In my dream my SIL is a small child .. my niece/cousin... and she is hiding inside of the bus.. too scared to come out.. and bus conductor find her after 10-15 min and lets her alight and bus goes away leaving her behind looking at us controlling her tears and looking very scared.... just to remind.. its my SIL who is a small child in my dream who looks like my niece/cousin H.

Everyone in my family looks at her with hatred and that child is scared and worried as in how will she go to her home from the bus stop alone... I look at everyone just standing and hating her and then when I couldn't take it anymore...  step up and smilingly tell the little girl .. I will escort you home.. just guide me the way.... she immediately smiles .. oh that smile! and holds my hand and we perhaps start walking with my whole family looking at us surprised and disappointed with me... I don't remember any further....

This dream is haunting me ever since.. don't know till when it will continue to do so..... don't know till when....

Wrote it long ago in Oct'07 Finally posting...

As simple this question may seem, as tricky I find to answer. Whenever this question is asked to me I normally have 3-4 stereotypes lines to say in reply to; : My Name, Where do I live and What I am professionally and Academically.

For me defining self is as difficult as achieving a state of Nirvana, may be that is why sometimes Nirvana is called a state of Self Actualisation. I generally have nothing to say to people, I really don't know what it takes to open a talk or discussion and for that matter how to keep continuity.

My favorite escape ! :)

Talk nonsense. seriously, Most of the time I talk nonsense with 3 repetitive words to escape when nonsense even ditches me. People call it being childish and I have no issue with being tagged so.For it really wonders me why people talk about last day's cricket match! or the singing competition or about stock market, about some handsome hunk/beautiful chick standing nearby.

I always say that if you are better than something then only you have the right to comment upon something, after all Einstein had quantum theory to support when we commented upon newton theory. Cricketers know better cricket than we do, thats why they are there and the commentators whose job is to comment are doing their job very well !!

People talk about our country, how badly it is managed; bad roads and other basic amenities, and if nothing then how badly they had been brought up since childhood. Yes, Childhood stories, school stories, college ones never end up. I really don't take interest in such talks nor have they ever interested me for more or less all have same stories to say.

I am a poet by nature and by Instinct, People often ask me when I return from a nature vacation or often on full moon nights, that I must have written something while sight scene and it amazes me because frankly not a single word had popped up into my mind during my travel. This is another reason to hire my escape guard.. ( talking childish) talking about all stupid things .. I just exaggerate them.. not things.. nor words.. just expression so that they insistingly seem childish so that I could get an escape.

Being a girl, I don't like beauty treatment. I hate going to beauty parlor, I hate getting dressed up, I hate lotion, makeup , beauty creams, I hate shopping and no one who knows me would believe but I DO hate Cooking as well. So here is another reason to escape within girl's group from talking for they all talk about what I hate.

Defining Myself !

I don't make much efforts to go out and search who am I ! for I know who I am, What I do and Why?

I always say one thing which I firmly believe in..
You see what you want to see, You listen what you want to hear, You understand what you want to understand, You speak what you want to speak

and World does the same.. what people see u as, is what you want them to see you as, what people think of you is just what you want them to think about yourself world as you see it is exactly what you want the world to be like.

People ask me to grow up, change myself or things like that coz they find many things raw.. amateurish in me..

I don't comment upon many things, I don't fight, I talk about how much I like puppies , stray dogs, I don't scold people and for that matter I don't express my feelings like happiness, anger etc. Its not that I haven't faced this world , just that I want the world to be good and because of this my eyes find everyone good.

I have faced many harms .. big ones too due to being this self, have changed a bit as well.. which I feel good about. anyways....

I firmly believe that What You are, You can not ever express in words.

In economics terms if I say.. Its all about stock and flow of personality. You can always tell what You are when you are not undergoing any change.. but an undergoing change self cannot tell what it is for its still under process.. and we are always evolving just like earth..

my favorite description of telling myself would be :

" I was born to be a human.. I still under process... "

A chat with a friend..

शनिवार रात एक दोस्त से ऐवेही बात चीत हो रही थी एक नज़्म पर जो किसने लिखी पता नहीं.. उसके लेखक की खोज अब भी जारी है ...

बातों बातों में शहरों के बारे में बात चल पड़ी जो बाद में पढ़ी तो किसी नज़्म जैसी लगी.. तो सोचा शेयर कर दूं...

दोस्त का नाम नहीं बता रही .. इजाज़त नहीं ली न इसीलिए... बात चीत कुछ इस तरह थी...

Friend: names are weird 

itne saare shahar hain

1:25 AM in ke naam kisne rakhe hongey

me: right

sheher sheher na hua koi insaan ho gaya...

kaash sheheron ki bhi autobiography hoti

1:26 AM :P

Friend: hehehe

hoti hai

me: jo sheher khud likhta

Friend: par zubaan alag hoti hai

chauraaho par

mandiro mein

bageecho mein

puraane school colleges mein

bikhri hoti hai

1:27 AM usey padhne wale chaahiye

me: par kisi aur ke munh se uski nazar ki kahaani hogi

sheher ki aatmakatha ki baat hi alag hogi

1:28 AM main itne baras se yahi hu bas naam rang roop badla hai

rooh nahi badal paaayi

Friend: hheheh

sateek hoga

but i wud still say

1:29 AM shahar apni autobio likh ke chod deta hai

just to be read

but not to be told :P

me: i think likh ke phaad deta hoga

tabhi to tukdon mein milti hai

uski kahaani

1:30 AM jigsaw puzzle jaisse

Friend: haaaan

ye baat mani

me: jaise ban paayi jod lo

kisi ki jigsaw shayad hi same ho

Friend: yeah

1:31 AM wo uska interpretation hai puzzle ka

coz is puzzle mein tukde sab fit ho jaate hain

me: right

Enlightment

I have always been very cynical about love. In college when everywhere used to be love in the air types ambiance..I was the only one who used to discourage people and ensure that they become really pessimist about the whole love thing. I had even challenged few of my mates who were in a relationship for years and in my way enlightened them that its nothing but a mere attraction, infatuation, addiction, habit or may be even lust. and you know what 99% of times I was successful.
I used to be so proud of my achievements. I still remember there was this casanova types boy who was my batch mate, though he never tried upon me.. nor did i let him.. but we were good talking buddies..(don't know why everyone used to love talking intellectual.. and philosophical talks with me.. may be I am good at that.. maybe It used to be enlightening for them.. ) anyways. we both used to talk about his all affairs with girls and most of the time I used to find him searching for true love .. he was like that princess who wanted to kiss all frogs ... and i used to console him that dear there is nothing called true love and love for that matter.. if u kiss all frogs you are just increasing the number of kisses and nothing else..

Despite of all my counseling to all the guys who were so called in love in their college days , I always found myself wondering as in how stupid they are. For what they call love is something like a deodorant to hide odor when you don't bathe for days... for you know what’s wrong still you want to ignore and still feel good.
In my world I was always on a search.. an unintentional search. May be I even wasn't aware that I was on a search to find something which I call LOVE. I always knew that I am on a quest and I always used to tell people about it but never knew what the quest all about is.
I am a die hard fan of economics and its theories. I always feel that perfection is nothing but total equilibrium of all resources and their utilization. In all states and time everyone's life can be just perfect. So I was content in my perfection.
My friends used to almost curse me that You are so fussy about this issue and one day you only are going to land up in a love issue.. badly I always used to tell my friends that see I am soo against this love thing and so arrogant towards it, love would definitely take a revenge from me, it would happen to me when and where it would be least expected and I wont even realize. And guess what I was so right. For me love was something what meera is all about I still love that song:" Humne dekhi hai in aakhon ki mehekti khushaboo, haath se chhu ke isse rishton ka ilzaam na do.. sirf ehsaas hai ye rooh se mehsoos karo, pyaar ko pyaar hi rehne do koi naam na do.."
For me this has always been definition of love for me. And When it actually happned It took me months to realize that whatever alien feeling I am going through is nothing but is love.. . that too People around me told me that look you are in love!

And as always I felt.. Oh Maktoob!!

Things were lying in front of my eyes and I was ignorant of them.. and guess what it when I realised that its love.. I completely shook me up to know that something I was always cynical about could actually happen to me! Perhaps It was all maktub.. sometimes I wonder over myself only.. for the verses I had written far ago.. are actually a perfect fit for many situations.. one of those verse is :

"Yaar 'Maktub' thaa aakhiri faisalaa,

Phir bhi fariyaad mein bekasaii reh gayii"

Now when I am enlightened I really know What my quest was all about.. Why I am here.. Why things are the way they are .. I no more have any regrets from my life or people.. in fact now I am thankful to everything that has happened to me.. The best part of this feeling and sense of realization and enlightenment is that.. it is just what I was always searching : Something which I can call as Love .. with which I always associated Meera with.. Something that gives me a feel of that song..
What I like the way things are now.. is that I can relate it to what all prophets, holy books have always been saying.. and You know what.. just by experiencing a millisecond of love.. one can truly experience all this holy knowledge..
Now I fear nothing.. I am a free soul without any strings attached while I still am absolutely ready to live in this world with all kinds of strings, Handcuffs attached to me for once one achieves a state of enlightened soul, nothing can hold him/her back.
And love which I am experiencing is also free from all strings.. Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself. And just a droplet of it is as complete as a dew drop. I am not waiting for my beloved to come and complete me up.. I am complete in my total equilibrium and need nothing else.. world is just great like this.. had he been with me.. it would have been like a utopia.. but then there is no utopia.. and I accept it and am fine with it....I am not expecting him to enrich me back with the love I have for him.. for I believe love is selfless.. everything around you is already enriched .. you just have to open your eyes and embrace it. Love is in the smile of kid.. also in the cry too.. even in the sound of metro arrival .. so is when you are stuck in traffic jam.. its mere ignorance that somewhere we feel is no happiness or love or prosperity..
Open your eyes to love.. and then you would be wanting nothing else.. but to maintain it.. grow it and live in and out it.. for the prophet Kahlil Gibran has very righted has said :

“When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.And when his wings enfold you yield to him,Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.”

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires

Aadmi Bulbulaa Hai Paani Ka

I really like it when my thinking defeats/counter argues with my thinking itself, for I believe that constructive debate with self is the best way of debating over something.

My brother taught me one golden rule about debating.. he said u can be on either side of debating.. u can be equally good on 'for' side as well as on 'against' side.. I truly agree with him.. many a times i have witnessed an on going debate in my own mind, where my mind is at both sides, its on 'for' side as well as on 'against' side. and i really wonder this amazing debate for normally its always mind vs. heart debate or good vs. evil debate.

Here I am quoting a similar debate, if u see my post here , I mentioned there that i really don't understand why am i existent or for that matter why this universe even.. my family have tried explaining it to me , my friends tried as well.. but i was not satisfied with there answer.(maybe because I am too stubborn to accept an advise from outside..) In fact have had many long discussion over this point of view of mine with many people. I always used to think that they don't understand my point of view for though they are not wrong in whatever they are talking but.. Excuse me! I am also not wrong.. I used to say If I wasn't there, someone else would have been there.. but the way things happen they are meant to happen this way.and my this point of view was always questioned, for there are so many things that only I can do and are not possible without me.

Me the stubborn never used to accept it. But today I suddenly realized, what they all talk about was actually true. I keep my winamp always on with always Ghazals playing on... I believe that same lines heard again and again reflect different meanings of it.. many dimensions of it.. I was listening to a Ghazal I might have heard 1000 times before... suddenly my senses stuck to one verse... and it just made me realize very thing which everyone was trying to explain from a long time... it was like...

"Chaahane waalon se jab matlab nahi,

Aap phir paidaa huye kinke liye..."

and it was Maktub.. :) Things just lie in front of you but You are lost in some mirage and a sudden light of realization washes all ignorance away..... so I would like to thank all of those who kept trying making me realize this very fact. Thank You hai ji :)

Saraab

Ek din highway pe jab
ek baadal ke tukde ki farmaish ki thi tumse
tumne koi jawaab tak nahi diyaa tha
main gusse mein muh fulaaye poore raatse baithi rahi thi
aur tumne manaayaa tak nahi tha
bas drive karte karte beech beech mein
mujhe dekh muskurate rahe the
ghar aake ek sheeshe ke martbaan mein
dhoop sulgaakar mujhe de diya tha
main kitnaa bigdi thi tum par uss din
aur tumne kahaa tha,"Baadal maangaa tha na, ye lo!"
main uss martbaan ko hairaani se dekhti reh gayi thi.
aaj maine ussi badal ke tukde se tumhaari farmaaish ki to
ussne mujhe tumhaari yaadein uss martabaan mein sulgaake de di
lagtaa hai meri tamaam khwaahishon-o-khwaab ki taamir mein ek saraab hi hai.....

Relationships

"मुझको भी तरकीब सिखा कोई यार जुलाहे
अकसर तुझको देखा है कि ताना बुनते
जब कोइ तागा टुट गया या खत्म हुआ
फिर से बांध के
और सिरा कोई जोड़ के उसमे
आगे बुनने लगते हो
तेरे इस ताने में लेकिन
इक भी गांठ गिराह बुन्तर की
देख नहीं सकता है कोइ
मैनें तो ईक बार बुना था एक ही रिश्ता
लेकिन उसकी सारी गिराहे
साफ नजर आती हैं मेरे यार जुलाहे|"

- Gulzar


yesterday was watching a T.V. serial after a long time.. mom always used to appreciate this one.. has seen it sometimes while my to and fro to rooms.... one scene not actually scene but dialogue session invoked some thoughts in my mind.. in the scene, there was a guy very intelligent who solves all problems of the colony and there was an aged man, it was something like this:

" aged man : kya soch rahe ho sandeep?
guy(sandeep) : kuchh nahi ...
aged man : sabki pareshaaniyan hal karte ho, apni pareshaani ka hal tumhaare paas nahi hai..?
sandeep: nahi baba aisaa kuchh nahi lekine. main bas soch rahaa tha ki ye riste bhi bade ajeeb hote hain. jaise mera aur aapka rishta, mera aur chachi ka rishta, mera aur................ urmi .... urmi aur mera... rishta... sabse mera rishta hai hi..
aged man : haan hai to .. kyu kya hua?
sandeep: nahi baba bas main soch rahaa tha ki har rishta jo hum banaate hain usse hum apni marzi se control kyu nahi kar paate? woh waisi shakla kyu nahi leta jaisi hum usse dena chahte hain? aged man : beta! agar hum rishton ko control kar sakte toh woh rishte rishte nahi convinience kehlaate.. ab socho humne sona ki shaadi sudhir se karwaayi jo ek apaahij hai.. uske ma baap nahi hai, itanaa achha kamaataa bhi nahi hai.. sochta hu to lagta hai ki ye galat hua woh sona ke layak nahi hai.. lekin phir sochta hu ki sona uske saath kitani khush hai.. usse kisi cheez ki koi kami nahi dono ek doosare ke saath se poore hain.. tab mujhe isamein koi kami nahi lagti..
sandeep: lekin zaraa sochiye baba agar sudhir ka rishta sona ke saath nahi ........ urmi ke saath uske rishe ki bat chalti ... toh?
aged man : toh ye rishta bilkul nahi hota, koi nahi maantaa.. lekin sandeep.. agar urmi ke rishte baat tumhaare saath chalti ....... toh sab maan jaate..... "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

now what stroke my mind was.. why can't we control .. what way the relationships will go..
ok ok if we can control then they would be convenience..
but then if we can't not control.. aren't there any chances that they would become inconvenience!!!

in the dialogue above the guy sandeep was afraid of the way his relationship with the girl urmi was changing its shape.. he was afraid that he can not control the way things are taking shape...

sometimes i think.. when i say " Oh its Maktub"
I really surpress my inability to change things... Saying Maktub is just an escape... for yes..
I am not supposed to know everything... things are sometimes just meant to be the way they are... things repeat themselves.. with new characters. who scream oh i wish it wasn;t this way..
who scream,

if qouted in words of Javed Akhtar :

" andhe khwaabon ko usoolon ka taraazu de de, mere maalik mujhe jazbaat pe kaabu de de"

or in words of Gulzar :
" belagaam udti hain kuchh khwahishein aise dil se, "mexican"filmon mein kuchh daudte ghode jaise|
thaan par baandhi nahi jaati sabhi khwaahishein mujhse|"

I have seen many relationships changing their names and yes feelings in them as well.. people holding on people opening up .. people fading away.. people straying away... some go mute.. some dissolve in... some reaching their so called " destiny" where one finds another and they lived happily ever after...

but some times i really feel.. are relationships all about it?


khona paanaa.. mananaa roothnaa.. ladna jhagadnaa.. ikraar inkaar.. ehsaas..sparsh... khamoshi aur svar..


who defines these relationships? or the limits??
we on the basis of our own wisdom.. understanding define .. ok this is my limit. beyond this.. relationships change meanings.. and then we live happily in our world of understanding...

as gulzar said...

"aao zabaanein baant lein ab apni apni hum,
na tum sunoge baat, na hum ki samajhna hai
do anpadhon ko kitani muhabbat hai adab se"
just the way we define on the seashore.. ok here is the place from where we wont get drenched by waves...

but then we forget that waves do not have limits.. u may be anywhere on seashore.. how much far from waves.. if the force is high.. u might get drenched.. for U R on seashore....

emotions are the waves.. u never know when would they rise up and ruin the limits u defined..

once i read a book called "who moved my cheese"
it talks about changes are all pervasive..its just we don't notice the changes until those a highly visible.. just the way u don't notice dirt on the table if u don't wipe it daily.. and one day u will see a mud rock there... :P

as i earlier said.. sometimes i feel saying Maktub is just suppressing my inability to change things.. it is also true that i was not able to change things just because i was ingnorant enough.. changes have always been there...

its just not I, it can happen to anyone of.. not just relationships.. but everywhere...

Its all Maktub..

things do occur... they always had to !
things do change.. they always had to!

but its just we need to be vigilant about changes.. and most importantly we must admit and accept that yes the changes happen and do we change.. we need to change..

its just we need to tell ourselves that.... since its all written, we need to realize it and not move back coz somethings weren't in our control.. for stepping back or hiding will not make things up.. just realizing and then changing accordingly will work..

in words of Gulzar :

"saath hi chalaa aayaa hai, jitna bhi safar hai,
raaste pairon mein rassiyon ki tarah lipte huye hain
laut ke chalne se bal khulte nahi, aur chadheinge"